Chapter 1

The water dazzled under the rising sun just above the horizon. The sky was blue and my body felt light in the water that felt warm against my skin. I was the only one floating on the sea of light. At times like these I feel as if I’m special and it makes me just a little bit happier. The problems that worried me couldn’t bother me right now.

I continued to paddle with all my energy wave after wave as I thought to myself that perhaps it was because I was so optimistic and got happy so easily that was the cause of my worries. The morning sea was beautiful. It was too hard to describe the colours of the waves as they clashed together little by little. It was enough to catch my attention as the surfboard I was on slid into the face of the next wave. I felt I was ready to stand up on the board but I lost my balance and fell beneath the waves. I failed again. I swallowed some sea water and some of it irritated my eye.

 

My first worry; I have never managed to stand up on my surf board over the past six months.

 

I made my way back up to the car park on the shore (it was really just an open field filled with overgrown weeds) and using the tall grass as cover there, I took off the wetsuit that was a perfect fit against my skin then hosed my naked body with water and changed into my school uniform. The place was deserted. The strong sea winds felt very comfortable after getting so hot from the exercise. My short, barely shoulder length hair dried almost in the blink of an eye. The rising sun cast long crooked shadows from the weeds over my white sailor suit top. I loved the sea but I particularly loved it the most when it was this season. If it was winter, it would have been very uncomfortable changing like this.

As I put on some lip balm on my dried lips I heard my older sister’s step wagon driving up so I took my surf board and sports bag with me and made my way to her. She was wearing a red jogging suit and reeling down the driver seat window when she called to me.

“Kanae, how did it go today?”

My sister was beautiful. Her hair was long and straight, she always kept her composure and she was a high school teacher. She was eight years older than I was and long ago I didn’t like her. Perhaps I had a complex where I would always compare and analyse the average little me against my brilliant sister. But I like her now. Before I knew it, I had come to respect her after she graduated from university and returned home to the island. If she didn’t wear that old jogging suit she would look a lot more beautiful than she did now. But maybe she did that because she didn’t want to stand out too much on this small island.

“I couldn’t do it today either. The wind was offshore the whole time, “ I answered her as I put the surfboard into the trunk.

“Don’t worry about it, take your time. Are you going to come practice after school too?”

“Yeah, I want to. Will it be OK for you, sis?”

“It’ll be OK. But be sure to get your studying done too.”

“Yeah, yeah!”

I answered her in a loud sarcastic tone and made my way to a scooter parked by a corner of the car park. The school standard Honda Super Cub was the one my sister had during her apprenticeship. Our island doesn’t have any cars and there were almost no buses around either so most students have to obtain their bike license once they’re sixteen. Travelling around on the scooter was very convenient and comfortable but every time I go to the sea, my sister would drive the van along because my scooter can’t carry the surf board. It was time for us to go to school now. I was going to my classes and my sister was going to teach hers. As I turned the key to start the engine, I checked the time on my watch. It was seven forty-five. Yes, I still had time. He should still be practicing. I followed my sister on the Cub and we left the seashore behind us.

 

I began bodyboarding in the first year of high school because I was influenced by my sister and on the very first day I was captured by the joy of the sport. My sister was in the surfing club during university. It wasn’t very trendy and laborious (for the first three months all they did was basic training to prepare themselves for the sea. They spent their time paddling and duck diving everyday until sunset!) and I didn’t understand why they would want to go up against something as unbelievably big as the sea but I thought it was a beautiful thing to do. Then one sunny day in my second year of high school , I suddenly thought to myself that I wanted to ride the waves sometime too. To do that had to learn how to stand up on a short or long board and, since I’m always adventurous it just had to be the short board for me so that I could twist and turn and when I first started learning, I had managed to ride the waves a number of times out of luck but since that time, I’ve never been able to stand up again for some reason. I had begun to think that maybe I should abandon the difficult to use short board but I wasn’t sure I should give up so easily on something that I had decided for myself and with that hesitation in mind, it was already the third year of high school for me in the blink of an eye and now it was summer again.

 

Thump! The small pleasant sound could be heard mixed with the chirping of the morning birds. It was the sound of an arrow piercing a piece of paper on a board being used as a target. It was now ten past eight and I was standing in the shadow of the school building feeling very nervous. I had a little peek a moment ago and as usual, he was there in the archery area practicing.

Every morning he would always be practicing his archery and it was actually one of the reasons why I was practicing surfing every morning too. If he looked full of energy in the morning then somehow, it made me want to be full of energy too. It was wonderful watching him draw an arrow with that serious look on his face. I was too embarrassed to watch him up close so I’ve always kept around a hundred metres away to watch. Peeping even.

For some reason I straightened my skirt, gently fixed my sailor suit uniform and took a deep breathe. Alright! Lets just be natural, I said to myself and then started walking towards the archery area.

“Hey, morning.”

He greeted me as he did every morning, stopping his practice as he saw me walking by. Aaah! He’s so nice! He’s got such a deep cool voice!

My heart was beating fast but I continued to walk towards him, pretending to be calm. I pretended to be just passing by. I answered him, careful that my voice wouldn’t give me away.

“Morning, Tohno-kun. You’re early again today.”

“You too, Kanae. You were at the sea, right?”

“Yeah.”

“You train hard don’t you?”

“I- “, he surprised me by praising me like that. Oh no, this isn’t good. My face is probably turning bright red!

“Not- Not really… Eheheh, see you later, Tohno-kun!” I ran off quickly, embarrassed and happy at the same time. “Yeah, see you later.” I heard his kind voice from behind me.

My second problem; I had unrequited love for Tohno-kun. In fact, it’s been this way for five years. I call him, “Takaki Tohno-kun”. I could only be with Tohno-kun for another six months before we graduate from high school.

 

And my third problem; The sheet of paper on my desk summarised it all. It was now eight thirty-five and we were in the middle of our morning class. I was barely listening to Mr. Matsuno. He was saying, Listen. It’s time for you all to make a decision for yourselves. Discuss it with your families… Or something like that. On the piece of paper was written the title, “The Third Careers Guidance Questionnaire.” I only managed to answer half the paper.

 

Twelve fifty, noon. It was lunchtime and in the classroom classical music was being played which I was sure I heard somewhere before. For some reason, I found myself imagining a penguin skating while I listened to the tune. What memories was the music linking together inside my mind? I gave up trying to remember the name of the tune and dug into the fried eggs my mother had made for my lunchbox. They were delicious. I could feel the taste spreading out, filling me with happiness. I was sitting together with Yukko and Saki-chan who were talking about their career options.

“I heard Sasaki-san’s taking an entrance exam at Tokyo University.”

“Sasaki-san? You mean Kyoko?”

“No, no. I mean the Sasaki-san from group one.”

“Oh, the Sasaki-san from the literature club. Not surprised!”

Hearing about group one made me feel nervous. It was the group Tohno-kun was in. For each year, students are divided into three groups at my high school. There’s the first and second groups who are taught the common subjects but people who are in the first are those who hope to apply for university. The third group were taught about the industry and many of the students go onto a dedicated school or go straight into work, most staying on the island. I was in the third group. I hadn’t asked Tohno-kun yet but he was probably planning to go to university. Somehow I had the feeling he wanted to go back to Tokyo. The fried egg I was eating suddenly lost its taste as I thought about it.

“What about you, Kanae?” Yukko suddenly asked me but I wasn’t ready to answer.

“Didn’t you say you were planning to go straight into work?” Saki-chan continued. I paused… unsure of what to say. I just didn’t know what I was going to do yet.

“You haven’t really thought about it at all, have you?” said Saki-chan looking shocked. “All she thinks about is Tohno-kun, “ said Yukko. “But he probably already has a girlfriend back in Tokyo,” Saki followed on.

“No way!” I shouted out seriously.

The two of them giggled. They knew all about the feelings I tried to hide.

“Ah, I don’t care any more. I’m going to go get a yoghurt from the vending machine, “ I said as I got up from my seat annoyed. I knew they were only joking but “The Story of Takaki Tohno’s Girlfriend” was too much for me.

“What! You’re having another one? That’s going to be the second!”

“So? I’m feeling thirsty.”

“That’s our surfer girl!”

I let their jokes slide and walked out into the corridor alone where the light breeze was blowing. I walked along looking up at the picture frames hanging up on the wall. They were photos of rockets launching into the sky with a huge plume of smoke. “H2 Rocket No. 4 Launch - Heisei 9th Year (2001), August 17th 10:53”, “H2 Rocket No. 6 Launch - Heisei 9th Year (2001), November 28th 6:27”… There were rumours that every time there was a successful launch, someone from NASDA would come and hang up a picture.

I’ve seen many rocket launches. You can clearly see the rockets rising up into the sky with a plume of trailing white smoke no matter where you were on the island. Now that I thought about it, it feels as if there hasn’t been a launch for a number of years now. Tohno-kun’s only been on the island for five years but I wonder if he’s ever seen a rocket launch before? I hope one day we’ll be able to see one together. If it turns out to be the first time he’s seen one, I think he would look very emotional and if we can watch one alone together – just the two of us, I think we will grow closer to each other. But there’s only six months left before our high school lives come to an end. I wonder if we’ll be able to see one before then? Oh, and will I really be able to stand on my surfing board by then too? One day, I want Tohno-kun to see me surfing but I don’t want to look bad. I want him to always see the best side of me. Just six months left… No, there’s a chance Tohno-kun might decide to stay on the island too. If that happens then I’ll have plenty of chances to show him and then I can be sure to work on the island too after high school. But somehow, I can’t imagine him staying. He doesn’t seem like the kind of person to live on an island. Sigh…

…And so, all my problems are centred around Tohno-kun. Even though I know can’t stay worried like this forever, I just keep worrying.

 

That was why I had decided that I would confess my love to Tohno-kun on the day I can ride the waves.

* * *

It was ten past seven in the afternoon. The sound of Japanese cicades had suddenly changed to that of the more common cicadas. It probably won’t be long before the crickets can be heard. It was already slightly dark but the light from the sunset still remained and the high clouds were glowing gold. If you were to stand there and gaze at them, you could tell they were flowing west. Just a while ago, the wind was blowing onshore – wind coming in from the sea means the waves aren’t good – but now it might a good time to ride the waves. It didn’t change the fact I wasn’t confident I can stand up, though.

 I stood in the shadow of the school building and peeked into the parking lot. There weren’t many scooters left and there were no signs of other students nearby the gates. All the clubs activities had ended for the day. In other words, I had come back to the school after I had finished surfing and was hiding, waiting for Tohno-kun to arrive at the parking lot (kind of scary when I think about what I was doing) but maybe he’s already gone home. I decided to wait a little longer and wished that I could ride the waves soon.

 

I was worried whether I could surf properly or not, about my relationship with Tohno-kun and my future. Of course, I probably have many other problems on my mind too but those were my biggest three. For example, one of my other smaller problems was my tan. I don’t really have a dark complexion (maybe) but no matter how much suntan lotion I put on I always end up with a darker tan than my classmates. My sis tells me it’s natural because I surf, my friends Yukko and Saki-chan say it makes me cute but, I feel like it’s real bad when my skin is darker than the guy I like. Tohno-kun’s skin is so white and beautiful.

My other worries included how my breasts weren’t growing (I have the same DNA as my sis so why does her bust size grow fine and mine doesn’t!), my school results aren’t devastatingly good, maybe I don’t have very good tastes in clothing, maybe I’m too healthy and I can’t catch the cold (makes me a little less cute than other girls) etc. I had a whole mountain of problems that worry me.

I peeked into the parking lot again telling myself that counting through my problems weren’t going to help. I could see a very familiar silhouette approaching from the distance slowly. Yes! I knew I should have waited! Damn, I’m good! I quickly took a deep breath and casually walked towards the parking lot.

“Hey, Sumida. You’re off home now?” He has such a nice voice. I was soon able to see him clearly under the parking lot lights. He had a toned slim body, long hair that covered a bit of his eyes and walked around in a very calm composed way.

“Yeah… What about you, Tohno-kun?” I could feel my voice shaking. Oh man! I wish I had gotten a grip of myself by now.

“Yeah. Want to drive home together?”

If I had a tail like that of a dog, I’m sure I would be wagging it happily just now. Ah, I’m so glad I’m not a dog because I seriously thought it would have given me away but, I was also glad that good fortune let us go the same way home.

We drove in a single file along a narrow path surrounded by sugarcane fields. As I gazed at Tohno-kun’s back as he drove in front of me, I could really feel how good fortune was smiling upon me. I felt very hot deep inside and just like when I failed at surfing, I could feel my nostrils tense up. I don’t know why but the feeling of happiness and sadness seemed alike.

 

I had thought to myself Tohno-kun was different from other guys when I first laid my eyes on him. He transferred here to Tanegashima from Tokyo during the second year of junior high in spring. I can still clearly remember what he looked like on the day of the new semester’s opening ceremony. There standing in front of the blackboard was a guy I didn’t know. He didn’t look shy or nervous and had a peaceful smile on his handsome face.

“I’m Takaki Tohno. I moved here from Tokyo three days ago because of my father’s work. I’m used to transferring between schools but I’m still not familiar with this island yet. I’m pleased to meet you all.”

He didn’t speak too quickly or too slowly, wasn’t nervous, sounded calm with a perfect accent and intonation. It was like he was a television presenter. If it was me – I would have felt the complete opposite way having moved from a super big city to a super big rural place (well, it’s an island really) – my face would be bright red, my head a complete blank and I would no doubt be bothered that I had a different accent than everyone else. Yet there he was and even though we were around the same age, I wondered how he could still be so calm and speak in a clear voice as if no one was there in front of him? What kind of life has he been leading and what did this guy dressed in a black uniform have in him? It was the first time in my life that I wanted to know so much about someone and at that moment of time, fate had made me fall in love.

Since then, my life had changed. I always saw everything his way whether it was the town, school or reality. No matter where I was in class, after school or whether I was walking my dog I would always be looking out for him from the corners of my eyes. At a glance he might look too cool but he was sociable and made lots of friends quickly, all guys but because he didn’t hang out with them like a group of kids I managed to approach him a number of times when the timing was right.

When we reached our senior high years we ended up in different classes but it was a miracle that we were still in the same school. That said, there weren’t really many schools to choose from on this island but with his grades I think he could have chosen any high school he wanted. Instead, he simply chose one that was closest. Even in senior high school, I was still in love with him and during those five years since the day he arrived, those feelings never weakened but grew stronger as the days passed. Of course, I wanted to become the most special person to him but embracing my love for him alone was more than enough for me to handle. I never imagined I would be able to hang out with him at all. Every time I saw him at school or in town, my love for him would grow stronger and everyday it made me suffer but at the same time happy and I felt a little helpless.

It was half past seven at night. We were buying something at a convenience store called, “Ai Shop”. Tohno-kun goes there anything between zero to seven times a week – If I was lucky I would be able to go home with him once a week or if I wasn’t, it was once every fortnight. But before I knew it, it had become a habit for me to visit the Ai Shop on the way home too. Even though it felt like a gardening shop where an old woman sold seeds from home grown plants in the neighbourhood, it had a great variety of snacks. Some J-pop can be heard being played from some wired speakers. Long light tubes glowed steadily along the ceiling and lit up the inside of the small store.

Tohno-kun would always buy the same thing every time. He always picked up a paper carton of Dairy Coffee without hesitation. And every time, I wouldn’t know what I wanted to buy. I just didn’t know what I should buy to make myself look cute. If I bought the same coffee as him, it would look too obvious what I was doing (even though I was really after his attention), milk seemed too crude, the yellow carton of Daily Fruits drink looked cute but I didn’t like the taste and, I wanted to try some Dairy Black Vinegar but that seemed like it would be really hard to drink.

And so while I was too busy deciding what to buy, every time Tohno-kun would say to me, “Sumida, I’ll wait for you outside,” before he left me and headed to the counter. It was a real pity because I liked being next to him. So, I hurried up and picked the usual Dairy Yogurt again. How many of these have I had today? I had bought one two hours into school then at lunch time I had another two so this would be my fourth. I think one twentieth of my body is made of Diary Yogurt now.

I left the store and just as I was about to turn around the corner I saw Tohno-kun leaning on his scooter writing mail on his phone. Before I knew it, I quickly shrunk back into the shadows. The sky was dark blue and only the clouds moving along with the wind still had some of the red from the evening sun. It was going to be night soon on the island. The sound of insects and the sugarcanes swaying in the wind filled the air around us. There was an aroma of someone’s dinner. It was so dark I couldn’t make out his expression. Only the light from the LCD of his phone could be seen.

I put on a cheerful look and walked towards him. He naturally put his phone away into pocket when he noticed me approaching and said in his kind voice, “Hey Sumida. What did you buy?”

“I wasn’t sure what to get but I ended up getting another yogurt drink. You know, this is my fourth one today. Amazing, isn’t it?”

“What? You must be kidding. But now that you mention it, you always have that drink Sumida.”

As we talked, my attention turned to my own phone that was inside the sports bag I was carrying on my back. I had already wished thousands of times that it was me that Tohno-kun was writing to. But I never received any mail from him. That was why I couldn’t write any to him either. I thought to myself then that no matter who I date in the future, all my attention will be on that person only while we were together. I’ll never look at my mobile phone so that I won’t ever make him worry that I’m thinking about someone else during our time together.

As the stars began to twinkle in the night sky and I continued talking to the guy I liked but couldn’t confess to. I felt like crying but I was determined I will confess to him sometime in the future.

Chapter 2

The waves were high and many today. But the wind felt as if it was blowing towards the shore a little so there were a lot of them that broke down quickly too. It was five-forty. I had already tried challenging several waves since coming to the sea after school but not once have I managed to stand up on one. Anyone can ride the white water that appears after a wave has collapsed but I want to surf properly and ride them at the peak then surf down over the surface.

I desperately battled against the waves but my attention always ends up being caught by the sea and the sky. It was very cloudy today yet why does the sky still look so high I wonder? The colour of the sea and the thickness of the clouds were changing with every passing moment. As I battled against the sea my line of view varied between a few centimetres of difference and the ever changing sea was like my emotions. I want to be able to stand up soon. I want to know what the sea looks like when I’m riding it at my full height of one hundred and fifty-four centimetres. No matter how good someone was at painting, I was sure they would never be able to capture the beauty of the sea that I was seeing now. Not even a photo or perhaps even a video could do that. We were told how the “High Definition (HD)” technology of today’s twenty-first century had one thousand nine hundred and twenty pixels in width which allows a lot of detail to be captured. Even so, it’s not enough to capture the sea’s beauty in its entirety. It just wasn’t possible for a resolution of one thousand nine hundred and twenty by one thousand and eighty pixels to capture what I saw before me. It was beautiful in its own right but I wonder if the inventor or movie producer of such technology was aware of that too? I prayed that I could still see this scenery in such a beautiful way even from at a distance. I wanted Tohno-kun to see it too and as if on cue, I started thinking about what happened at school today.

While I was having lunch as usual with Yukko and Saki-chan a broadcast was made asking for Kanae Sumida from the third year, group three class. I was asked to go the careers advisors room. I knew why I was being summoned but at the same time I was more concerned about how embarrassing it was that Tohno-kun might have heard the broadcast. And my sis too.

When I arrived at the advisors room, Mr. Itou was there sitting with a single piece of paper in front of him. It was the careers advice questionnaire form I had written my name on. The loud sound of cicadas could be heard from the open windows as if they were letting everyone know it was summer but the room itself was pleasantly cool. The clouds were moving across the skies quickly and the rays of sunshine were disappearing and reappearing through the cracks. It was an eastern wind. I sat there facing the teacher thinking there’s going to be a lot of waves today.

“You’re the only one in the year that’s still to decide what you’re going to do, Sumida,” he said sighing as if on purpose,  looking annoyed.

“I’m sorry…” I answered and remained silent not knowing what else to say. The teacher too was silent. We remained like that for a while.

The form had “Please circle one of the following options,” printed on it neatly and I was staring at the other half of the form helplessly.

1: Go into higher education, university (A: A 4 year course, B: A short-term course)

2: A dedicated skills school

3: Go into work (A: By area, B: By job type)

Next to the university choice there was also the option of a private or public institution and right after that, there were also a list of faculties – medical, dental, pharmacy, physics, engineering, agricultural, marine life, business, literature, law, economics, foreign languages and education. It was a similar affair if you chose to go to a dedicated school or attend a short term course too – Music, art, nursery, nutritionist, fashion, computing, nursing, cooking, cosmetics, media studies or public sector worker… I was already feeling dizzy reading through all the words. As for the choice of going into work and in which area on the island, it could be within the Kogashima region, Kyushuu, Kansai, Kantou or other.

I glanced between the choices “within the island” and “Kantou”. Then “Tokyo” came to mind, a place I had never been to and had never thought about going to. My image of the present 1999 Tokyo was that it must be filled with gangsters (!) in Shibuya, girls who look like high school students selling underwear, twenty-four hours of emergencies and crimes and, the giant ball erected on top of the insanely overly big Fuji TV tower for who knows what purpose. I then imagined Tohno-kun in a blouse walking and holding hands with a girl in rouge socks who had hair dyed in brown. I quickly cut off my imagination. I could hear Mr Itou’s loud sigh again.

“You know. You don’t really have to think about it that much. With your results you can go to a dedicated school or take a short course at university. If your parents let you, you can attend one on Kyushuu or if not, you can just stay in Kagoshima to find a job. Isn’t that good enough? Have you tried talking to your sister, Miss Sumida about this?”

“No, I haven’t…” I said in a low voice and became quiet again. My emotions were swirling together right now. Why did he have to summon me here over the speakers and bring my sister into this? Why did he have to grow a beard? Why is he wearing sandals? I just prayed lunchtime would be over soon.

“Sumida. I don’t know what you’re thinking if you don’t say anything.”

“Yes, sir. I’m sorry, sir…”

“Talk it over with your sister tonight. I’ll let her know in advance.”

I continued to think to myself why was he continuing to do things that I didn’t like?

 

As I battled with the sea, I saw a large wave before me. The spray came up from the white waves closing in like a roller and just before impact, I paddled my board into it with all my strength to pass through. There really were a lot of waves today and I continued to duck dive so that could go further out to sea.

I thought to myself, “This isn’t the place.”

I wasn’t at the right spot… I continued repeating the phrase to myself like a chant.

I then realised those words were something that has been linked to Tohno-kun all this time.

I’ve had such moments every now and then. Moments when I would suddenly realise something as if I had special powers. Whether it was at the convenience store we went to after school, the deserted parking lot, behind the school in the morning or when Tohno-kun was typing mail on his phone I can hear the words, “This isn’t the place” from him. I know that, Tohno-kun. I feel just the same way. You’re not the only one thinking this isn’t the right place, Tohno-kun. Tohno-kun, Tohno-kun, Tohno-kun… I began to get up on the board as I repeated his name to myself but just as I was about to stand up I was knocked back into the sea. I swallowed some sea water and panicking, I grabbed onto my surf board that surfaced onto the water and began paddling hard. Tears and mucus were running down as if I was really crying.

Later, I was sitting in the van next to my sister as we drove back to school but I couldn’t bring up the subject about my future plans.

 

It was evening, seven forty-five. I was crouching down by one of the shelves in the shop. I was alone today. I had waited a while at the parking lot but Tohno-kun never appeared. It felt like a very unfulfilling day. In the end, I bought another Dairy Yogurt. I made my way round to the parking lot, drank the sweet drink in one breath, put on my helmet and drove off on my scooter.

My scooter was running along the high plains as I gazed at the dimly lit horizon in the west. I could see the entire town at a glance on my left and the shore could also be seen above all the greenery. On my right were narrow fields with some hills. On such a level island this spot probably had the best view and it was also the way Tohno-kun took to return home. If he was driving slowly maybe I’d be able to catch up from behind. Or maybe he got home long ago? The engine suddenly spluttered and just for a brief moment it stopped but returned to normal. This Cub was going to be an old lady soon.  Just as I was about to ask the Cub if it was alright, a scooter parked by the side of the path caught my eye. It’s his scooter! I thought to myself feeling so confident for the first time and parked my own next to it.

 

I unconsciously began climbing up the steep slope. The summer grass felt very soft as a tread my way up. Oh no. What was I doing? I was suddenly calm again. I was sure the scooter I saw belonged to Tohno-kun but what was I doing making my way to him at a time like this? It was obvious I shouldn’t see him under this kind of situation. For my own good. Even so, I continued to walk up the grassy slope and within the new field of view, there he was. He was sitting there on the high embankment with his back against the starry night sky, typing on his mobile phone as I had expected.

The wind blew into me as if it moved my heart, brushing pass my hair and uniform, filling the surroundings with the sound of grass swaying. As if in answer I could begin to hear the thumping of my own heart and continued to climb up loudly as if I didn’t want to hear it.

“Hey, Tohno-kun!”

“Hey, Sumida. How did you know I was here?” Tohno-kun  answered in a loud and a little surprised voice.

“Heheheh… I saw your scooter so I ended up looking for you here! You don’t mind?” I said walking quickly towards him. I kept telling myself this wasn’t really anything to be nervous about.

“Oh, I see. I’m really happy because I didn’t manage to see you at the parking lot today.”

“Me too!” I said as cheerfully as I could and putting down my sports bag, I sat down next to him. Happy? Are you really happy to see me, Tohno-kun? I could feel my heart throbbing very hard. It was always like that whenever I was close to him. The words, “This isn’t the place” would make my heart throb. The horizon in the west had been engulfed in darkness before I knew it.

 

The wind grew stronger every now and then, swaying the town lights spread out below us. The school looked very small and still had a number of lights on. Under the yellow lights on the highway a single car was driving along and the giant windmill at the sports facility was spinning steadily. There were many clouds floating across the sky quickly and when they broke up, you could sometimes see the Milky Way or the Summer Triangle – Vega, Altair and Deneb. The wind howled by our ears, mixed with the sound of the insects amongst the trees and grass. The strong wind helped me calm down again quickly. I could smell the strong aroma of the greenery that filled the air.

Tohno-kun and I sat there side by side gazing at the scenery. My heartbeat had become quiet now but I was enthralled that I was so close I could feel the full height of his shoulders.

“Hey, Tohno-kun. Are you going to take an entrance exam?”

“Yeah, I’m going to take one for Tokyo University.”

“Tokyo, huh… I thought so.”

“Why?”

“I just thought it’s the kind of place you’d want to go to,” I replied surprised that I was still calm. I thought I would have blacked out if I asked and heard the answer directly from him. After a short moment of silence, he said in his kind voice.

“…I see. What about you, Sumida?”

“Oh, me? Well, I don’t know really. I just don’t know about the future, “I answered him quite frankly and thought he’d be surprised.

“Everyone feels the same way probably.”

“No way! You feel like that too, Tohno-kun!?”

“Of course.”

“You looked like the kind of guy who wouldn’t be worried at all!”

“No,” he smiled quietly before continuing. “I’ve been worried for a long time. I’ve just been doing what I could. I don’t really have much choice.”

I could hear my heart throbbing again. I was so happy that I was sitting next to him and I was the only one who was hearing his thoughts out loud.

“…I see. So that’s how you feel.”

For a moment, I looked into his eyes. He was gazing at the distant lights. He looked like a helpless little child. Even now, I could strongly feel I was in love with him.

Yes. It was clear I love him and that was the most important thing that mattered to me. That was why his words gave me strength. I felt I had to be thankful to someone somewhere for his existence. Maybe his parents, maybe God. I took out the careers advice questionnaire from my sports bag and began folding it. The wind had died down before we realised it and the sound of the rustling grass and insects had also fallen silent.

“…Are you making a paper plane?”

“Yeah!”

I finished folding the plane and threw it in the direction of the town. It almost surprised me how far it went and along the way, the wind suddenly picked up whisking it much higher into the sky until it disappeared into the darkness and could no longer be seen. Through the gaps between the layers of clouds, the white Milky Way grew clearly visible.

* * *

What were you doing, out so late! Hurry up and take a bath so that you don’t catch the cold, my sis had said to me before I got into the bath with a splash. There was enough room to move my arms around. Both my arms were toned and muscular. I think they were a little chubby compared to the average girl’s arm. I kind of yearned for them to be soft like marshmallows but I was fine with the way my complexion stood out the way it did now. I felt relieved just like my body was. I felt as if I could still hear the words Tohno-kun had said to me in his calm voice while we talked on the grassy plains and when we parted. When I think back to his words, a comforting feeling spreads throughout my body and you could tell how I was feeling from the smile on my face. Somehow I think I was being a little too excited. I whispered “Tohno-kun” without realising it. His name echoed softly in the bathroom before it faded away into the steam. What an exciting day it’s been I thought to myself happily.

 

After that conversation on the grassy plains, we came across an enormous trailer slowly driving by in front of us on our way home. One tire alone was as tall as I was and the tractor was pulling along a long white box that was as long as our school swimming pool with the words “NASDA, Space Development Agency” proudly printed on it. There were two of those trailers and in between were a number of cars and people carrying red lights leading the way. A rocket was being transported. I had heard about how they were transported before but it was the first time I saw it happen with my own eyes. I was pretty sure the rocket was transported here to the island by ship to the docks and then slowly and carefully, they’re going to be moving it south overnight.

“I heard they have to drive at five kilometres per hour” I said, something that I had heard once and Tohno-kun answered “Yeah,” as if dumbfounded by the sight and for a while, we stood there watching the transportation before us. It was a very rare sight and I had never thought I’d be able to see it together with Tohno-kun.

It was raining for a while which was common during this season and it fell heavily as if someone had tipped over a bucket of water. Quickly we hurried home on our scooters. I could feel Tohno-kun closer to me than before as my scooter’s headlight shone on his drenched back in the rain. My home was closer along the path than his so we would always separate by the gates.

“Sumida” he said as he lifted up the visor on his helmet. The rain was growing heavier and some of the golden light from my house lit up his soaked body. I could feel my heart pounding as I saw his wet shirt sticking tightly against his skin outlining his well-toned figure. I was wondering if he could see my body in the same way.

“I’m sorry you had to get soaked like this today.”

“Don’t worry about it, Tohno-kun! It’s not your fault. I was the one who decided to stop by after all.”

“But I’m glad we could talk together like that. Well, see you tomorrow and take care you don’t catch the cold. Good night.”

“See you tomorrow and good night, Tohno-kun.”

Goodnight Tohno-kun, I whispered as I lay in the bath.

 

After my bath, I had a dinner of stew, fried cold porgy and Kanpachi Sashimi which tasted so delicious I asked my mum for three bowls of rice.

“You can really eat a lot, can’t you?” she said as she handed the small bowl refilled with rice to me.

“I don’t think there’s any other high school girl that can eat three bowls of rice like that” my sis said surprised.

“That’s because I’m hungry… Oh, and sis,” I said as I put some cold porgy into my mouth and chewed on it. Yummy.

“Mr. Itou said something to you today, didn’t he?”

“Oh yes, he did say something.”

“I’m sorry, sis.”

“It’s nothing to be sorry about. Just take your time and decide what you want to do.”

“Kanae, have you done something to upset the teacher?” mum said as she filled my sis’ teacup with some tea.

“It’s nothing serious. Her teacher is just a little over-sensitive, that’s all, “ my sis answered calmly. Again, I was so glad I had such a great sister.

 

That night, I had a dream.

I dreamt of the time when I got Cub and I don’t mean my Honda scooter, I mean my brown dog named Cub. I found him at the seashore when I was in grade six. I was envious of my sis’ Cub (her scooter) and that was why I decided to call him that.

But in the dream, I wasn’t a child. I was seventeen years old just as I was now. I had the young puppy Cub in my arms and was walking along the sandy shore that was filled with a mysterious light. When I looked up at the sky I didn’t see the sun. I saw space filled with stars. They were blinking in red, green, yellow and all sorts of other colours, all held together by the giant stream of a galaxy spanning across space. I wondered if I had been to such a place before. Suddenly I noticed someone walking in the distance. I felt as if I knew that figure from somewhere.

Before I realised it I had turned to a child and was thinking to myself that one day, that person is going to be someone very important to me.

The next moment I suddenly turned into an adult about the same age as my sister and found myself thinking he was someone very important to me once.

 

When I woke up, I had forgotten what I dreamt.

Chapter 3

“Sis, when did you get your driving license?”

“I got it during my second year at university so I think when I was nineteen. You know, when I was in Shizuoka.”

I know she’s my sister but somehow, I think she looks really sexy when she’s driving – her slender fingers gripping onto the steering wheel, her long black hair glimmering in the morning sun, the way she glances into the back mirror and the way she changes gear. I could smell some of the fragrance as the wind blew in through the open window. We both use the same shampoo but it seems to make sis’ hair smell so much nicer than mine. I tugged at my skirt a little.

“Hey, sis,” I said as I looked at her from the side of the driver’s seat. She has such long eyelashes! “How long ago was it since you last brought a man back home with you? You know, that Mr. Kibayashi I think his name was?”

“Oh, you mean Kobayashi-kun.”

“What happened to him? Weren’t you two going out?”

“Why are you asking that all of a sudden?” she answered back a little surprised. “We broke up long ago.”

“Were you planning to marry that Mr. Kobayashi?”

“I did plan to marry him once. But then I changed my mind,” she said smiling with a little nostalgic look.

“Oh really…”

Why did she change her mind? I wanted to ask her but I decided to ask something else.

“Were you sad?”

“I was. We had been together for many years after all. We even lived together.”

The morning sun shone directly into the car as we turned left into a narrow path that leads to the sea. There wasn’t a single cloud in the pure blue sky. Sis narrowed her eyes and pulled down the sun visor. Even that little action looked sexy to me.

“But you know, now that I look back I don’t think either of us had any desire for marriage. With a relationship like that, we weren’t going to get anywhere. What I mean is… we didn’t have a common goal between us.”

“I see,” I nodded even though I didn’t understand what she meant.

“Everyone can have their own goal but a couple should have something in common. I think I was desperately trying to make us both have the same goal at the time.”

“Oh…”

A goal… The words continued to repeat themselves inside my mind. I looked towards the end of the path and saw plenty of wild Easter Lilies and Tagetes in full bloom. They were a bright mix of white and yellow just like my bodysuit. They looked so beautiful.  Even flowers can look so great.

“So why did you ask me that of all a sudden?” my sis turned round to ask me.

“Hmmm… No reason really,” I answered her.

Then I asked what I wanted to know the most. “Hey, sis. Did you have a boyfriend back in high school?”

“I didn’t just like you now, “ she smiled as if she found the question funny. “You’re just like me when I was in high school, Kanae.”

 

It had been two weeks since that rainy day when I drove back home together with Tohno-kun and the typhoon has since passed over the island. The wind blowing pass the sugarcanes were now cooler, the sky felt a little bit higher, the clouds seemed softer and students who were riding on their Cubs were wearing thin sweaters now. During those two weeks, I haven’t been able to drive home with Tohno-kun again and as usual, I haven’t been able to ride the waves. Even so, I feel as if I’m enjoying surfing more than before.

“Hey, sis,” I called out to her while I was waxing my surfboard and she was reading a book in the driver’s seat. The van was parked by the usual parking area and I was changing into my bodysuit. It was half past six in the morning and there was still another hour until school so I could still go to the sea.

“Hmmm?”

“About what I want to do for my future…”

“Yeah?”

The back of the van was open and I was sitting there with my back towards my sis. We could see a long grey shape that resembled a battleship situated far out at sea. It was one of NASDA’s ships.

“I still don’t know what I want to do just now. But I think that’s OK,” I said as I finished waxing and put down the soap-like block next to my waist and continued.

“I’ll just do whatever I can one thing at a time. Off I go then!”

I lifted up my surfboard and ran off towards the sea feeling completely refreshed as I remembered how Tohno-kun had told me that he was just doing whatever he could. That was the only way I could go and I truly believed that it was best that way.

 

The sky and the sea were the same blue colour and I felt as if I was floating in empty space. As I paddled and repeatedly duck dived further out to sea, I could feel the barrier between my body and mind thinning in the sea. I paddled, unconsciously knowing how far I was towards the next wave and when I decided it was impossible for me to challenge I would push my body and board through. When there was a wave that looked like I could challenge I turned myself round and waited for it. It wasn’t long before I felt the wave lifting me up. I was excited knowing that this was when I stand up. As the board began to slide down the surface of the wave I rose half way up on my legs, balancing myself. I began trying to stand all the way up. I looked up and for a moment I caught a glimpse of the dazzling secret world within the sea.

I already knew that in the next moment I would be swallowed up by the wave.

But I knew that this great world wasn’t there to deny me. It was only from afar that it looked like I was being swallowed up by the dazzling sea – even from my sis’ point of view. I had to keep trying and keep on paddling against the sea. Again and again. Before long, I forgot that I was even trying.

 

And that morning I finally managed to ride the waves. It was so sudden it was like a dream – so perfect that it was almost unreal.

 

If you could call seventeen years of being alive a life then, I could tell you that this was the very moment I had been living for.

* * *

I know this tune. It was one of Mozart’s Serenades. We had played it during a concert in our first year of junior high and I was playing the harmonica. I liked instruments where you had to use your own breath as if you’re making the sounds yourself. At that time, Tohno-kun wasn’t part of my world yet. I wasn’t surfing yet either and now that I think about it, it was such a simple little world I lived in.

The tune was called “A Little Night Music”, Eine kleine Nachtmusik in German. I wonder what it really means? Whenever I drove home with Tohno-kun those nights do feel short, though. It feels as if they put this tune on just for us today. I’m feeling excited. Tohno-kun. We had to drive home together today. Maybe I should skip going to the sea and just wait for him. It wasn’t on until the sixth period anyway and with the exams on club activities don’t run that long.

“…-nae.”

 

Hmmm?

“Kanae. Are you listening?”

Saki-chan was trying to talk to me. It was twelve-fifteen, lunchtime. Some classical music was being played and Saki-chan, Yukko and I were sitting together eating our lunchboxes as usual.

“Oh sorry. Did you say something?”

“We don’t really mind you spacing out like that but, you just put some of your lunch in your mouth and just froze there,” Saki-chan said.

“You looked awfully happy about something,” said Yukko.

Quickly I began chewing on the egg I had in my mouth. Munch, munch. So yummy! Gulp.

“So sorry! So what were you guys talking about?”

“We were saying how another guy confessed their love to Sasaki-san.”

“Really? Well, she is beautiful,” I said putting a bacon asparagus roll into my mouth. My mum makes the best lunchboxes.

“But never mind about that. You seem so much happier than usual today, Kanae,” said Saki-chan.

“Yeah. It’s kind of scary actually. If Tohno-kun saw you he’d keep away from you,” said Yukko.

Their teasing didn’t get to me today. I just said “Really?” and let it slide.

“She really is weird today, this girl.”

“Yeah… Did something happen between you and Tohno-kun?”

I smiled and answered them with a knowing “Mmmhmmm”. I was actually happy about what was going to happen.

“No way!” the two of them cried out in surprise. They couldn’t really be that surprised.

I didn’t want our relationship to stay at the unrequited love stage. The day I could ride the waves was the very day I could finally confess my love to him.

 

Yes. If I couldn’t say it today when I finally managed to ride the waves then I’m sure I never will be able to.

 

It was four-forty in the afternoon. I was looking at myself in the mirror in the girl’s toilet along the corridor. After the sixth period ended at half three today, I never went to the sea and just stayed in the library. Of course I didn’t manage to study there at all. Instead, I just held my head in my hands and gazed out the window at the scenery outside. The air inside the toilet brought me back to my senses. I looked into the mirror thinking my hair had grown longer. The hair at the back was touching my shoulders a little. It was a lot longer during junior high but when I started surfing in high school I decided to cut it short. Maybe it was because I learned my sis was going to be teaching in the school I was at too. I was so embarrassed when I was being compared to my beautiful long haired sister. But now somehow, I felt like leaving it to grow longer.

In the mirror I saw my tanned face, cheeks slightly red. I wonder how Tohno-kun saw me. A familiar sense of disappointment washed over me but I looked over my features one by one – the size of my eyes, the shape of my eyebrows, how high the ridge of my nose was, the gloss over my lips. Then my height, the quality of my hair, my bust size. I even looked at my teeth and nails and hoped that there was just one part of me that Tohno-kun liked at least.

It was half past five in the afternoon. I was standing at the usual spot behind the school building near the parking lot. Most of the daylight had shifted to the west and a long shadow was cast onto the ground from the school building,  a clear boundary between shadow and light. I was close to that boundary and just within the shadows. I looked up at the sky which was still bright and blue but its colour had faded compared to daytime. All the cicadas in the trees had fallen silent and now only the insects in the grass at my feet could be heard. My heartbeat was thumping loudly, almost as loudly as the insects. I knew the blood was pumping quickly around my body. I took deep breathes to calm myself down a little but I was so nervous I forgot to breathe every now and then. When I finally realised it I let out a deep breath but its unnaturalness made my heart thump even harder. I had to tell him today. I had to. I was unaware how many times I had peeked out at the parking lot from behind the wall.

When Tohno-kun finally called out “Kanae” I was panicking more than I was happy and was feeling a little uneasy. Desperately I held in that little shriek.

“You off home now?” he said talking in his usual calm voice as he approached me from the parking lot, even though he had noticed me peeking at him from around the wall. I answered “Yeah” as I stepped out into the parking lot feeling as if I was caught up to no good. I see he said in his usual kind voice. Then lets drive home together.

It was six o’clock in the afternoon. The setting sun was shining straight through the windows in the West as we stood inside the convenience store. It was darker than usual and it made me feel uneasy because it felt like a completely different store. I felt the heat from the setting sun’s rays on my left cheek and thought to myself that this wasn’t “a little night music” at all. It was still bright outside. I had already decided what I was going to buy for today. I was going to get the same Dairy Coffee as Tohno-kun did. I took the paper carton without hesitation and Tohno-kun turned to me surprised and said, you’ve already picked something Kanae? I answered yes without looking at him. I had to tell that I like him. Before we reached my home. My heart felt like it’s been beating hard forever. I hoped the pop song playing in the store was helping hide the sound of my heartbeat.

 

Outside the store, the world was also divided into light and shadow by the setting sun. We were in the light the moment we exited through the automatic doors. The small parking lot where our bikes were around the corner was in the shadows. I was watching Tohno-kun’s back as he walked towards the shadows, his hand holding the paper carton of coffee slipping into the shadows first. He had a really broad back wrapped in his white shirt. Just looking at it made my heart ache further. I was really really nervous. I was forty centimetres away from him but I closed in suddenly until we were only five centimetres apart. A sudden surge of loneliness washed over me. Wait, I thought. Immediately I reached out to grab the bottom of his shirt. Oh no. Now was the time I tell him that I like him.

He stopped. Taking his time, he slowly turned round towards me… “This isn’t the place”, I thought I heard and shrunk back.

“…What’s the matter?”

Somewhere deep within me, I could feel myself shrinking back again, shaking. His voice was quiet, kind but cold. I stood there, staring at his face. He wasn’t smiling at all. His eyes looked silent and were filled with a strong will in them.

 

In the end, it wasn’t because I couldn’t tell him.

It was because he had rejected me with that strong look in his eyes telling me not to say anything.

* * *

The sound of cicadas echoed in the air of the island. From the distant forests, the small high pitched voices of the birds can be heard ready to welcome the night. The sun was close to setting and lit up our path home in many shades of purple.

Tohno-kun and I were walking on a path surrounded by sugar cane and sweet potato fields. We haven’t said a word to each other since. Only the steps of our hard shoes could be heard. I was about half a step away from him and I was desperate not to get too close. His strides were long. I thought he was angry so I took a little look at him but, he was looking at the sky with his usual expression. I hid my face, looking at the shadows that my shoes made as I walked on the asphalt. I suddenly thought back to why we left our bikes at the convenience store.  I didn’t abandon my bike but it felt like I was regretting something terrible I had done.

 

 After I gave up telling Tohno-kun I liked him, my Cub refused to start as if it understood how I felt. No matter how I used the starter, it wouldn’t start up at all. Tohno-kun really is a nice guy. When he saw how troubled I looked he had a look at it. It was as if that cold expression I saw on his face earlier was a complete lie. It made me feel so confused.

“The spark plug’s probably at the end of its life,” he said after testing the Cub himself. “Did someone pass this onto you?”

“Yeah, it belonged to my sis.”

“Did it splutter when you tried to accelerate?”

“I think it did…” I replied. There were a few times when it was hard to start the Cub now that I thought about it.

“Just leave it here for today and have your family pick it up for you tomorrow. Lets just walk back today.”

“Oh no! I can walk back alone! You can go on ahead yourself, Tohno-kun,” I said quickly. I didn’t want to trouble him but he was nice.

“My home’s not that far away from here. Besides, I feel like a little walk anyway.”

I don’t know why but I wanted to cry. I looked at the two paper cartons of Dairy Coffee sitting on the bench. I thought to myself maybe that great sense of rejection I felt a moment ago was just my imagination.

 

But that feeling couldn’t have been my imagination. I wonder why we’ve been walking together silently. Tohno-kun still sounded like himself when he offered to walk with me. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Why was he always nice to me? Why did you appear in my life? Why do I like you so much? Why… Why…?

My feet began to feel heavier as I walked along the path glittering the setting sun… Please. Please, Tohno-kun. I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I just couldn’t. Tears were falling from my eyes. No matter how many times I wiped them away, they kept coming. I had to stop crying before he noticed. I desperately tried to suppress my sobbing but I’m sure he was going to notice. Then he would talk to me in his usual kind voice. See?

“…Sumida! What’s the matter!?”

I’m sorry. I know it’s not your fault. I’ll try saying something.

“I’m sorry… It’s nothing. I’m really sorry…”

I stood still hiding my face, still crying. I couldn’t stop it any more. I could hear Tohno-kun saying my name in his kind voice. It was always so full of emotion. Now it sounded sad and it made me sad too. The sound of the cicadas that filled the air sounded louder than before. My heart was crying out loud. Tohno-kun… Tohno-kun. I beg you…

 

Please don’t be so nice to me any more…

 

At that instant, the cicadas fell into silence as if they were a wave withdrawing at sea. I could feel the lonely silence of the island wrapped around me.

 

Then in the next instant, a loud rumbling sound shook the air. Surprised, I looked up and above the distant hills I saw a ball of flame launching into the sky.

A rocket was launched. The light was so bright from its thrusters that it blinded our sight as it began to rise. The entire air around the island shook as the flame from the rocket shot straight up, lighting up the clouds brighter than the setting sun did. Right behind it was a tower of white smoke that seemed to rise forever. The setting sun was blocked out by the tower, dividing the world into light and shadow. The light and tower stretched everywhere. The rumbling sound echoed as it stretched all the way into the skies above, rocking the air particles as if the sky was screaming as it was torn apart.

 

I think it was about half a minute as we stood and watched until we saw the rocket disappear into the clouds.

Neither Tohno-kun or I said a word as we stood there next to each other gazing at the sky until the wind cleared away the tower of smoke. Soon, the sound of the birds, insects and wind could slowly be heard again and before we knew it, the setting sun had already sunk below the horizon. The blue in the sky was growing darker and little by little the stars could be seen twinkling and the air felt colder on our skin. It was then I came to realise something.

Even though we were both gazing at the sky, we were looking at different things. I realised Tohno-kun never did look at me.

Tohno-kun was nice. He was very nice and always walked together with me by my side but he was always looking at something far, far away. And I couldn’t grant him that certain something he wished for. As if I had super powers, it all became clear to me. I clearly understood that we can never be together in the future.

* * *

As we walked home together a round full moon hung in the night sky, the clouds carried by the wind just like they did during the day, shining in a pale white colour. Our shadows alone were cast onto the asphalt. I looked up and saw a wire across the moon, cutting it in half which felt like how the day went for me. The me before I managed to ride the waves and the me after I managed to ride the waves. The me before I knew what Tohno-kun was thinking and the me after. The world of yesterday and tomorrow was definitely not going to be the same for me. From tomorrow, I was going to live in a different world.

 

 As I lay curled up in my room’s Futon with the lights out, I gazed at the moon whose light streamed into my room like water. My tears began to well up again and slowly they began to fall into the moonlight. Drop by drop, my tears flowed and I began to hear my own crying voice. My tears grew in volume and my nose was dripping but I no longer tried to hold it all back. I let myself cry loudly.

I know I will always love Tohno-kun no matter how much time passes by. I just couldn’t help being in love with him. Tohno-kun, Tohno-kun… I love you.

With only him on my mind, I cried myself to sleep.